Looking into de mirror

Hari ini… cape banget

Rasanya seluruh tubuh akan hancur berkeping-keping. Padahal seharian  kerjanya bengong, tidur, buka komputer dan terakhir ke pemasa.

Kurasa aku telah sekali lagi mencoba melewati batas kemampuanku. Aku terlalu keras kepala, tak hentinya mencobai diriku sendiri. Sampai manakah aku mampu bertahan?

Mungkin Tuhan sudah marah kali ya… karena aku selalu main-main sama tubuhku dan… rohaniku.

Hari ini benar-benar di ujung batas. Terasa banget diriku seperti bergantung pada seutas tali. Dan kapanpun tali itu akan putus.

Kenapa?

Padahal aku tahu hal ini g baik buatku. Tapi kenapa aku terus saja masih menguji, mencoba… sampai dimanakah aku bisa bertahan.

Apakah aku harus selalu merasa berada di jalan buntu, baru aku akan berbalik lagi?

Kenapa aku begitu bodoh?

Tapi hari ini aku berbalik. Karena aku tahu sudah tidak ada jalan lagi didepanku. Untuk pertama kalinya setelah sekian bulan aku kembali ke pemasa.

Sejujurnya, aku kangen… aku rindu sama suasana pemasa. aku lupa bagaimana kejadianya. Tapi satu demi satu hal terjadi sehingga aku g pemasa beberapa bulan ini. Rasanya kering. Rasanya berat untk berusaha bertahan sendiri tanpa ada teman-teman yang mendorong.

Memang sih… ada PD di kampus. Tapi sejujurnya, jika PD itu dibandingkan dengan Pemasa… yah….

Bukannya TuhanNya beda. Tidak, Tuhan tetap hadir di Pemasa maupun di PD. Tetapi yang beda adalah orang-orangnya. Ada sesuatu yang salah dengan PD di kampus. Kadang kala aku ingin mengungkapkanya pda mereka. Tapi aku sadar, aku tidak pada tempatnya untuk mengatakanya.Apalagi diriku sendiri juga dalam masa kacau. Bagaimana bisa aku mengatakannya?

Yup, beberapa bulan ini diriku benar-benar kacau. Padahal g kerasa sama sekali, rasanya segala berjalan begitu damai dan tenang, tapi ternyata diriku mulai membusuk dari dalam secara perlahan. Hingga akhirnya aku tersadar bahwa diriku benar-benar telah membusuk. Luarnya saja yang g.

Karena itu, akan kubuang kebusukan itu. Walaupun sekarang jadi kosong lagi, aku yakin, perlahan-lahan akan terisi kembali. Dan kali ini, dengan berbagai macam hal yang indah.

untuk orang-orang disekitarku yang terkena ‘dampak’nya aku benar-benar minta maaf. Mungkin menurutmu aku ini ‘palsu’. Maaf.

I’m tired…

wasted…

seriously.

Can’t I just close my eyes for a while and get out of this world.

Bring me to somewhere I don’t know

just… for a while.

I need a break

from my family

from my friends

from my work

from… everything.

I have not been on the net for a day haha….. Have been busy watching iljimae haha….. (will write a review about this later^^)

After the eid hols, somehow I’ve become lazy XDD and now I’m still in hols till the 28th.

I have not been doing much these days except for sleeping, eating, play the comp, watch dvd and goes out.

Sometimes I find it boring, living this life. I want to do something that could contribute to the world. But the more I think about what I could do, I found that I could do nothing. And it makes me feels useless.

There were times when I wonder if it’s okay for me to spend my time fangirling when there’s so many people out there who needs help. I could have used the times I spend before the computer to do something more useful. Is it okay for me to feel so comfortable in my place when there are many others who doesn’t even know how it feels like to sleep under a roof.

But though I knew all these, I still can’t help wasting my money on buying unnecessary things. Grumbling when I can’t get what I want and always wanting more.

Teuthfully, I envy those who could do something to this world. I wonder where did they get the strength from. Because, when i look at myself and see how big this world is, I felt so small. I felt that I would never be able to do anything at all.

我是一个普通的女孩。
我滴下，我哭泣，我坠入爱河，我投掷勃然大怒，我购物。
并且虽则有时，我看来是孩子。 或一被损坏的贬小儿或者一位傲慢的公主。
它是正义的我的方式… 保护自己。
我不设法使您了解亦不是我设法使您看不同的边的我。

我总不是愉快的，和什么我显示也许是门面。
如果我做了您病残我，我抱歉。
我知道您说您是舒适的以我。 我是高兴的那。
虽然我在您的心脏真正地不知道怎么我真正地，并且怎么您提到我。
我设法是一个好姐妹对您。 您可能看的人。 某人您可能倾诉in。 您可能信任的人。
但莫名其妙地，… 事变动。

我不可能做您的姐，因为现在我甚而不知道怎么要您看我。 我甚而不知道我现在对您的感觉。
它不是我计划它是的方式，事变动和，现在我不想做您的‘姐’。
我知道我有是的古怪行动这些少量天。 我是太大声的，我太亢奋。
真相是，我不知道我应该做什么。

我是女孩，如果我的感觉改变了， 当我开始看您在不同的光, 我没有方式停止它。当他们说女孩和男孩不可能做好朋友, 我应该有相信他们。 并且在这种情况下，大多数是女孩，并且我猜测我是他们中的一个。

在去年附近，当我们彼此了解，我曾经戏弄您很多。 说词‘aishiteru’和‘suki desu’.

对我，它是某事乐趣做，因为您虽则会脸红 虽然您完全知道我是正义戏弄的井。 并且，第一次我说’Aishiteru’，您从您的椅子和奔跑突然甚而站立了到游泳池的边缘。

直到现在，每当我记得那时候。
但我从未想到有一天，我希望可以真正的说出来。

Took this from okashinoangel@multiply

I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me”
Philippians 4:13

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room.

She said:
“How is my little boy ?
Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him ?”
The surgeon said, “I’m sorry. We did all we could,
but your boy didn’t make it.”

Sally said,
“Why do little children
get cancer ?
Doesn’t God care any more ?
“Where were you, God,
when my son needed you ?”

The surgeon asked,
“Would you like some
time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes,
before he’s transported
to the university.”

Sally asked the nurse to
stay with her while she said good bye to her son.
She ran her fingers lovingly through
his thick red curly hair.
“Would you like a lock of his hair ?” the nurse asked.

Sally no dded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy’s
hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said,
“It was Jimmy’s idea
to donate his body to
The University for Study.
He said it might help somebody else.
“I said no at first, but Jimmy said,
” Mom , I won’t be using it after I die.
Maybe it will help some other little boy
spend one more day
with his Mom .”
She went on,
“My Jimmy had
a heart of gold.
Always thinking of
someone else.
Always wanting to help others
if he could.”

Sally walked out of Children’s Mercy Hospital for the last
time, after spending most of the last six months there.
She put the bag with Jimmy’s belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The d rive home was difficult. It was even harder
to enter the empty house.
She carried Jimmy’s belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair
to her son’s room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal
things back in his room exactly where
he had always kept them.
She laid down
across his bed
and, hugging his pillow,
cried hersel f to sleep.

It was around midnight
when Sally awoke.
Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter.
The letter said:

* Dear Mom ,
I know you’re going to miss me; but don’t think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just ’cause I’m not around to say
“I Love You”.
I will always love you, Mom , eve n more with each day. Someday we will see
each other again.
Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy
so you won’t be so lonely, that’s okay with me.
He can have my room and all my stuff to play with.
But, if you decide to get a girl instead,
she probably wouldn’t like the same things us boys do.
You’ll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don’t be sad
thinking about me.
This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here
and showed me around some, but it will take a long time
to see everything.
The angels are so cool.
I love to watch them fly.
And, you know what?
Jesus doesn’t look
like any of his pictures.
Yet, when I saw Him,
I knew it was Him.
Jesus himself took me to see GOD !
And guess what, Mom ?
I got to sit on God’s knee
and talk to Him,
like I was
somebody important.
That’s when I told Him that
I wanted
to write you a letter,
to tell you good bye
and everything.
But I already knew that wasn’t allowed.
Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen
to write you this letter.
I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you.
God said
for me to give you
the answer
to one of the questions you asked Him
“Where was He
When I needed him ?”
“God said
He was in the same place with me,
as when
His son Jesus,
was on the cross.
He was right there,
as He Always Is
With All His Children.” Oh, by the way, Mom ,
no one else can see what I’ve written ..except you.
To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper.
Isn’t that cool ?
I have to give God
His pen back now.
He needs it to write some
more names in
The Book of Life.
Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper.
I’m sure the food will be great.